Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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