when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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