what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
