i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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