the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
