sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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