The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
