I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
