just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
They took my balls.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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