I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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