I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I have fence marks all over my body
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
