I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
