On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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