I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
