fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
