get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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