So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
