Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize