you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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