So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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