A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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