I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Randomize
