a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
