Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
