i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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