U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
