How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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