he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
