can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
