Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
