Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
