Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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