I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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