my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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