Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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