I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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