I want to walk on stilts...naked
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
