I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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