I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
