Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Randomize