My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
