no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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