wrigley field is MILF paradise
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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