I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
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