you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize