Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
