Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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