i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
