Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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