he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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