We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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