bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
