The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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