the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
it's not cheating when I paid for it
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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