In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
