I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Randomize
