you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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