Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
