We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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