im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
