once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Why can't burritos get me drunk
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
